I wrapped up my school year at a girls school where I facilitated an interactive 8^th grade student/parent evening that was a wild success. The activity is fascinating, as families are put into discussion groups about alcohol/drug issues with other people’s family members – the results are astonishing. It is delightfully freeing to talk about this topic with someone else’s mom or child – you can truly listen without that emotional investment you have in your own person. As the groups finish and return to the auditorium, the students are running around frantically asking, “was my dad weird in the group? Who had my mother?” The answers are so sweet and reassuring: “We had your mom in our group; she was so funny and nice!” Whew, once the kids realize that their parents didn’t misbehave, they relax and are enthusiastic about how interesting it was to hear from other adults on this vast and confusing issue…Generally, parents focus on safety and their wish to help their child avoid ending end up hurt or damaged in some way. Hearing another parent package the same message in slightly different language or a new anecdote is refreshing and comforting for kids. I will often say, “raise your hand if you found out your parents are normal tonight!” Many hands slowly and reluctantly go up…The questions I hand out to be used in the groups are meant to promote honest dialogue and not put any one on the spot. The groups are encouraged to leave the question sheet and have a more organic chat once some rapport has been established. I beg parents to approach the kids from their vulnerability as parents and not lecture or “educate” the students.  I never have to guide the students; they just intuitively know what to do and are glad for an opportunity to hear something other than the Surgeon General’s Warning from adults.

I already mentioned that it was a brilliant evening. I would have just walked away feeling fine about the evening and not given it any more thought if it hadn’t been for a comment from an adult at the close of the event. When we re-gather as a large group, I always ask for people to speak about what they will take away from their group discussion. An older woman who is raising her granddaughter said something provocative and very true. I have actually been thinking about it ever since. These are not her exact words, but this is essentially what she said: “The girls in our group were lovely, smart and articulate. They said all the right things and gave countless reasons to abstain from illegal drug use and underage drinking. They all speak as if they will never get involved in any of it. Yet there are lovely, smart, articulate high school aged girls involved in drinking and other drug use – how do we go deeper with this conversation, so it’s not just people saying the right things, but actually living well and avoiding harmful behaviors throughout their lives?” I have been doing this work for a long time and I still have many more questions than answers when it comes to teen behavior. The only thing I feel sure of is that the answer to that grandmother’s question lies in relationships. It’s relational – I feel that relationships are the access point to kids, starting with their relationships at home. The people I know who don’t abuse substances or have quit abusing them often say they are preserving something important – they recognize that drug use and all that goes along with it will interfere with their relationship to ______ (fill in the blank).

I am not discounting how compelling, sexy, edgy and attractive alcohol/drug use is made to seem in our culture – think of all the messages kids receive on social media sites that we adults aren’t even aware of. What we do see on TV and in movies is aggressive enough and it is terrifying to think that there is a whole online world that isn’t on our radar screen. Only something real and valuable, like human interaction can compete with all of that.

Sometimes a stray comment made by a middle school student will haunt me for a long time afterward. I had such an experience last week while conducting a prevention seminar with an 8^th grade class. A girl shared the following conversation she had recently had with her brother, who is a senior:  She asked him how he could stand to drink beer, which she thinks tastes “gross.” His reply was, “You’ll like it when you’re 17 – you’ll see.” I asked her what she understood that to mean and she said, “I guess I better learn to like beer by the time I’m 17.” I get sad when I hear things like that. Even though the climate is better than it’s ever been before for kids who choose the path of non-use in this country, there are still lots of 14 year olds out there who feel drinking is inevitable and take that notion with them to 9^th grade. We could analyze this conversation between a girl and her brother and find many clues as to how kids in middle school get their information about high school – it also highlights the fact that the high school experience begins in a young person’s mind long before they get there, much as college starts in a high school student’s imagination as they listen to older siblings, watch movies and take in tales of folks who have lived it already. It all depends on who is painting the picture. Many young people believe that MTV’s Spring Break and what they read on Facebook is actually true of everyone in those age groups. Uh-oh.

Kids tend to behave in accordance with what they believe to be the norm. In the world of alcohol, they try to live up to their perception of how much others are drinking. This is why it’s extra important that we take on the following tasks:

*Help amplify the voices of those who aren’t drinking up a storm – meaning the majority. Monitoring the Future reports that around 40% of high school seniors acknowledged drinking alcohol in the last 30 days in 2009. One statement from her brother prompted an 8^th grade girl to believe that everybody likes beer when they’re 17 (when in fact 60% of 12th graders don’t drink beer). Remember that everybody means “everyone in my small world.” The subtitle in her brother’s comment is: there is something strange about you if you don’t like beer in high school. This girl needs to start hearing some new sentences pretty soon. She should see as many examples of “sober” high school students thriving in their lives as can be put in front of her. I’m sure her brother is just talking when he says such things. He is surely unaware that he is shaping his sister’s vision of high school or even affecting her future behavior in a potent way.  This is why we need to be talking with our children (the young and almost grown) about their beliefs, their image of themselves in the next few years and the impact their comments could have on others.

*Stay mindful that transition is a vulnerable time for youngsters – they are trying to redefine themselves in their new spot, looking for new connections.  They are craving their new freedoms and scared of them, too. They don’t know if they’re really up to the new challenges and they are feeling grief about what they are leaving behind. This creates many small voids in the psyche that alcohol/other drugs could fill quite nicely. This is why they need their parents more then ever, which they oddly illustrate by pushing you away as fast and as hard as they can. It could be a weird ride for the next few years, so buckle in and hold on tight.

*Make sure your child understands that there are always more options than they think – hopefully they will want to talk out some of their social dilemmas with you AND other trusted adults. Watch them closely as they enter a new situation and “check in” with them often. Look for signs of stress and try to walk them through the process. While assisting them in adapting to a new environment, help them hold on to some of the valuable connections they made in middle school. They don’t have to leave everything behind. Encourage them to stop in and say hello to a beloved middle school teacher – Provide them access to positive middle school friends who are now going to another school.

*Most importantly, network with other parents whose children are also entering high school – it’s a great way to get support and find out how normal you are!