Deep winter is upon us; a good time to ruminate on heavy questions! I received a thoughtful, heartfelt letter from a parent whose child I taught not too long ago. Rather than try to explain her question, I will share her letter and my response:

Dear Brenda,

Addiction is a subject that is very important to me, as I have a parent who is alcoholic. I really want my kids to be careful and respectful of the strong genetic predisposition that they may have. To help minimize the risks that they develop a problem here, I have two goals in mind: one is to delay the use of alcohol (ideally avoiding drugs altogether) and two is to discourage binging. I wanted to ask you about your thoughts on using some kind of an incentive. It would have to operate on an honor system. I am afraid that many people would dismiss this as a vulgar attempt at bribery.  To be clear, we are not trying to “buy” our kids’ compliance. That is why finding a suitable reward would be difficult. Our kids are not particularly focused on material things (yes, probably because they have enough already), nor do we want to encourage that (and, of course, most parents would agree here). Therefore, we thought about trying to find some special, sentimental and significant tribute, such as a special vacation or meaningful family experience. I have thought that it could be set up to reward them once for making it through high school without drinking or drugs, and then again for the college years for not binging. I think it could have the added benefit of giving our kids the ability to argue against peer pressure. A friend told me she once heard Tom Selleck interviewed and he said the thing he was most proud of was a gold watch his parents gave him (and all his siblings!) when they completed high school without using alcohol or drugs. 

We feel that the most important things we can do as parents here are to model good behavior, to express our values clearly, and to keep the lines of communication open. We believe the incentive approach for our kids might give them one more excuse for not partaking, an “out” with peers when they are really under pressure. It is not as if we would not also explain to our kids the reasons why we value postponement and eventually moderation. We would only consider the incentive as one piece in a larger toolkit.

Thanks for writing. I can hear that this topic is an urgent one for you. Beyond all the health and safety issues, you comprehend that how your children relate to alcohol now could affect the next decades of their lives and those who care about them! Postponement is the answer and if you can keep your kids sober (or almost sober!) through their teen years, you are home free. Alcoholism is indeed a pediatric illness and it most often arises in childhood, even though the more drastic outcomes are seen in adulthood.

As to your question about the wisdom of offering a “reward” of some kind for non-use during high school: There must be a way to communicate your values around this topic to your children that doesn’t involve anything material. You want your kids’ inspiration to stay sober to be their own well-being and a desire to preserve cherished relationships. These should be the compelling reasons to abstain. Clearly you have much life experience (your family) and fear when it comes to alcohol – I think it would be helpful to explain this to your kids with candor and warmth. Kids who don’t drink come from homes where there is an ongoing, loving non-use message. I don’t like to mix up the lessons of honor and substance abuse.  Keeping their word to you so they can get the gold watch is a matter of honor – Making good decisions about their health is a lifelong value that may have some bumps that your kids would be afraid to tell you about it if they were going to forfeit the gold watch. There would never be a way to truly verify if they kept their side of the bargain, so trust would take on a whole new face in this and things could get messy. I understand that you are trying to provide incentives and ultimately keep your children safe, but in the end, I don’t believe important health decisions can be bargained about with any sort of “currency”. It’s a soul thing! I rather think it can work the other way around; go on those wonderful vacations and have meaningful family time as a matter of course and this in itself will prevent many harmful behaviors. I am so glad you are being this creative in trying to keep your kids healthy – You are the kind of parent who ends up with intact children who turn into emotionally stable adults. Keep looking for answers and I believe a more profound one will present itself.

I have been asked this question by other smart, caring parents many times, so you are not alone in wondering if material rewards might be effective. I am grateful to have such a meaningful blog topic -thank you for providing me with the idea!